Preparing for Separation Anxiety

"Starting school is a big deal, and your list of worries may outnumber your child's. Will she cooperate at circle time, share the blocks, talk back to the teacher? But scariest of all: How will she handle leaving you? "You can expect a range of reactions," says Parents advisor Robert Pianta, PhD, dean of the Curry School of Education at the University of Virginia. "On the first day, some kids say 'See ya later' and take off. Others cry, and it could take as long as a month before they feel comfortable at school."

Unfortunately, you can't predict whether your kid will be fine or freaked out, so it's crucial to prepare for both.

What to Do Before School

1. Start counting down the days on a calendar two to three weeks before school starts. Kids need time to get used to the idea of leaving you.

2. Give your child a sneak peek at a schoolday. Try playing pretend school, says Sharon Landesman Ramey, PhD, director of the Georgetown University Center on Health and Education, in Washington, D.C. Practice saying goodbye, calling on her the way the teacher will, and having snacktime.

3. Keep your anxiety under cover. If you're worried that your child will cling to your leg on the first day, keep it to yourself. If he thinks you're nervous, he will be too.

4. Schedule playdates with some of your child's future classmates. "It's a huge relief for a kid to see a familiar face on the first day," says Dr. Ramey. If you can, get a class list, or ask friends if they know any kids who'll be in your child's class.

5. Don't skip orientation. If the school doesn't have a special day for kids to meet their teacher, see whether you can drop by before the first day. Take a tour of the building while you're there: "Ideally, the only new thing your child should have to deal with on the first day is the fact that you're not there," says Susanne A. Denham, PhD, professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.

6. Learn your child's schedule in advance. "It's important to give kids a clear sense of the structure of the day," says Dr. Denham. If she has no clue about what goes on at school, her imagination and fears may take over.

7. Pack something soothing. Mementos from home will calm your kid, but don't give her a potentially taboo item (blankies and stuffed animals may not be welcome; photos are usually okay).

8. Take the drama out of goodbye. Give your child a hug, say "I love you," and say you'll be back at the end of the day. Then leave. He might cling and cry, but lingering won't help either of you.

9. Don't hang around. Peeking into the classroom to see if your child stopped crying or to offer her a reassuring look will just send her into a meltdown, says Dr. Denham. "She'll think, 'If Mommy's so worried that she has to watch me, this place must be scary!'"

10. Don't overdo your reunion. Follow your child's lead at pickup time. He may run to you for a hug, he may just say "Hi, Mommy," or he might even be upset that you're taking him away from the fun. "If you go on and on about how much you missed him, your child may feel guilty for making you sad," says Dr. Pianta."

Originally published in the September 2008 issue of Parents magazine. For more information on this article, visit www.parents.com.